2017-11-26 - 11:32 a.m.
I have been afraid to come back here. To see the previous entries...some so beautiful, and more recently, the most painful. But I am here, and I am trying to move forward as best as a person can after losing someone they almost gave up everything for. Me and Ravi remain friends...well friendly I guess. I didn't acknowledge any of his posts for a while, but now we have gone back to liking each others posts and I even received a message from him a few weeks ago. He said he was proud of me and that he was happy I was still doing the things I loved. But what hurt about that, was that its all a fucking lie. I am not doing all of the things I loved. The thing I loved the most is the very person who sent me that message. Even writing that still brings tears to my eyes that sting unbearably. I miss him. I miss the simplest of things, just his sweet messages and his way of making me feel incredibly beautiful. That is gone, and I dont know how to love someone even close to that now. How do I ever love someone that way again? So deeply, so unexplainably. I almost feel like my heart loved him in a way that can't happen twice. So here I sit, subjected to a lifetime of "almosts". Maybe I can "almost" love someone that way again. Maybe I can find something that is "almost" that good. I hate that he doesnt know how bad it hurts. I hate that i can be friendly and act like I am okay without him and he doesnt have a clue.
Life is strange. I have since been involved with someone very unexpectedly. He has been the best way for me to move past what happened with Ravi. Its almost like life threw him at me right at that moment. Literally. Me and Kaden are still living together, raising kids together. But its hard for me to call it a marriage. There are so many facets and angles to this thing we call a "relationship" that I can't even begin to write it out. But, I am a horrible person...and I can't live without someone adoring me and loving me, I have found someone who is giving me that. He is sweet, and kind. He is handsome. He has fallen in love with me....I am not sure how I feel. I feel like it is too soon after Ravi for me to know what I feel. I love the distraction. I love that he treats me sweetly. He doesnt treat me like a piece of property like Kaden does. He smells good, physically very attractive...but I dont know. I am just not "there" yet. I really like him a lot. But, there are things that make me feel like I dont want to get too into it. Maybe I am just scared.
I just feel like i am sucking at life right now. And its all because of my own doing.
