2018-03-09 - 10:04 p.m.
Well here I am. Trying to piece together all the broken pieces of my life as usual. Its not all completely broken, my kids are amazing. My kids are literally the air I breathe. They are such a safe place for me.
My temporary distraction is gone now...well, I still talk to him but I ended whatever "we" were. I dont even know if its worth mentioning because I felt like it was not anything...like I thought about it for a second, but realized quickly that he did nothing for my heart or my soul.
I still feel like I am moving on from Ravi. I am doing much better with it now, he wrote me a few times...just messages saying he was so happy for me in areas where I have succeeded, and well wishes. I think he is involved or was involved maybe with this girl on his instagram and Facebook, but I dont know for sure. Its messy and it hurts a lot. Even now, I can feel that familiar ball in my throat...welling up as I even write about him. He still feels so sacred to my heart. I hate that he filled up so much room in my heart, because now it feels stretched and empty. Like its so obvious that something very big took that space and now its gone. But its been 6 months. 6 MONTHS. I can't believe it. Time does heal some wounds and I am thankful for that.
There is something I need to unload. My fucking pattern of course. I dont know why the universe is putting all these distractions in my path. Is it a test? Am i failing miserably?? It seems that I can't change my pattern. But...in all fairness...Ravi was not a pattern. He was something different entirely. But, here is the crazy thing. And this could be nothing at all...really. A few weeks ago, I took my daughter to her dance class. And I saw this gorgeous man...I mean, it was kind of crazy because he reminded me SO much of Ravi. Dark skin, dark hair and handsome kind eyes, short, and when he looked up and saw me staring at him...he held my gaze. And it felt....familiar. I felt that instant twinge of nervous energy and almost had to snap myself out of it. It sounds crazy...how similar this feeling was to when I saw Ravi for the first time. He is seriously really handsome...gorgeous even. So, we have exchanged these flirtatious looks off and on until one day, while we were both at the dance studio, he nervously sat beside me on the couch. He asked a question about my daughters dance costume and that was the icebreaker. There is a palpable chemistry here. I mean, this guy makes me very nervous. We will call him David. So after a few times of talking, I found out that he is a single divorced dad, of 1 girl. She is a year older than mine. From Peru. He works as a flight instructor, and lives in the same town as me. How perfect would this be if I was actually divorced?? He appears to be a very good dad. Very affectionate and sweet. His voice is soft, and honest. I dont really know what to do here. I feel like he might ask me out or ask for my phone number, to which case I would need to be honest about my situation and its uncertainty. But fuuuuuuck.......the sexual tension that is building...its decent. Not gonna lie.
This might be nothing at all. This might be the straw that breaks that camels back..Maybe I am wanting the next best thing to Ravi and so I have fixated myself on David because he is eerily similar in appearance. Sigh. Fucking Sigh.
